Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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