my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
