that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
