i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
