at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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