Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
