Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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