I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
