Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
