used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
