Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
