He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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