He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
