So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
