i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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