isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
