So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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