just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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