I feel great
I just peed on a car
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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