she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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