i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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