my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
