why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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