I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
my poor anus
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
