please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
