Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
