my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
