btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
