I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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