It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
