She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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