my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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