I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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