Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
