I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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