i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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