I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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