im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's just like the Real World with babies
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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