you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He? As in you personified your dick?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
