Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
