If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
