it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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