the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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