my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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