I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
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