god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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