There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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