Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
