did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
