Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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