Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Never underestimate the power of titties
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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