On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize