i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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