break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
