Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There's always time for handjobs
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
