i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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