If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
