My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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